Author Archive

Green Eggs and RAM

Posted in Uncategorized on June 17, 2011 by Hellion

Once upon a time in the future, past its all the same
A young gamer boy decided to play a new game
So he ran to his local game shop, excited, cash in hand
And picked up the newest titles about far off lands
Where he could be a pirate, a wizard, or a cop
The joy in his heart was overflowing he felt it would never stop
He burst in his room, and threw in his first disk
The computer hummed in anticipation unpacking file lists
The screen flashed to life with sound and blinking lights
His game was almost ready, he was desperate to join the fight
He picked his name, his character, his class, and his fancy hat
And jumped into the fray with his brand new clobbering bat
But alas, chop, chop, chop went his screen he could not even move
“Sad days he thought”, now what can I prove
He flipped the game over and much to his dismay
The systems specs were too high for his computer. Ohh what a day ..
I need a new computer ever year to play a new game??
Its too much he thought this is getting lame.
He returned all the games for an in store credit
And said to himself I’m doomed and now I’m in debit
I can’t afford a new pc to play every year.
Ohh well back to Xbox and a 12 pack of beer.

A note to DEV’s Give us a break already!!!

Warhammer Online (a recipe for disatser)

Posted in Warhammer Online on April 11, 2009 by Hellion

Hello you ass cakes! That’s right! It’s your old friend hellion fresh from poisoning the well. The topic of this week. How do you fail when you have a gift handed to you? Some people might say that this is a hard thing to do. Warhammer is after all a rich and full environment with a million different story lines and the potential to be the greatest game ever made. Now before you write this off as “another wftbbq Warhammer is crappy post” keep in mind I still play, and no I don’t play anything else. So lets get cooking !!

Add one part stupid with 2 parts omg!

It’s odd but every time I start playing Warhammer it feels like I’m still in beta. Poor graphic speeds with an ungodly huge computer = Fail. I mean really bad. I’m not running this on a com64 here. Tell me what I need so this game is playable! Should this not have been figured out before release? I feel like the fat kid at a birthday party. Everything but the cake is a slide show! Fail!

Mix together in a bag of hate!

Ask any Korean kid out there, If I can level to 40 in 2 days I need to do something while I’m 40. I’m not sure Mythic knew that the Korean super nerd existed. These little fruit bags are all about the uber level. They are not even sure they are playing a game. To them its all just Tetris. Stack and Stack it sky high till you starve to death. Even on a ( I have a life outside of video games) account. They still failed.

Pre Heat Oven to 350 degrees of suck

Don’t worry more content is coming be patient. Don’t worry such and such class will be fixed soon. Ohh really? Will mythic let me do a ” don’t worry check is in the mail” for my account? I don’t think so. Fail!

Add more and more crap till you can’t taste the stupid anymore.

Hey lets roll out 50 new classes while the ones that we have that need fixing can just continue to reek! Good plan. right? Wrong, double negative, fail. Fix my Archmage Assholes! I made a bumper sticker and put this on my car.

Bake Until Everyone is Done!

Look. You can agree with this next part or not. I don’t care at all. I firmly believe that no matter what you do class wise. If you don’t give both sides the EXACT SAME CLASS you will always have retarded amounts of Destro is over powered, or Order is over powered, even if they are not. It’s easy really. Keep it simple ass hat! Or something like that. Give everyone the same stuff or else! By the way. Whats with this one button mash crap. 1 button AOE healing, 1 button AOE damage, 1 Button Tanking, I feel like this game was made by fisher price. Let me play my class I’m old enough. I’m smart enough, I can handle it. I don’t want to just mash one button. I want to play not break my god damn fingers off on a single button!

Conclusion

As you all know I never walk away from a blog without a solution. For this problem I’m going to have to say. Take this game out of Mytics big dumb retard fingers. All they are doing is mangling it to pieces. Ever see that cartoon with bugs bunny and the abominable snowman. You know that big dummy that fingers up bugs and keeps calling him George. Well that snowman is Mythic and Bugs is Warhammer. Burn in hell!

Love Hellion

2-4-6-8 Being an Archmage is really Great !

Posted in General Gaming on February 12, 2009 by Hellion

Greetings and happy 1.2 patch day notes fellow warhamerans. That right it’s me Hellion, back on the attack to destroy your warm and fuzzy feeling, and to snap you back to the harsh reality of life! For today’s topic I would like to talk to you briefly about the Archmage and why it’s so kickass!

Diamonds are a girl’s best friend!
This class is my main, or at least was my main. I have leveled an AM to 34. Astounding really considering this class has all the appeal of an ABBA concert. I have never felt more in touch with my feminine side since I have started playing this class. I look like Zsa Zsa Gabor only much more FABULIOUS! And as a male toon I feel really un-warlike out there. I feel like I should be picking flowers and preaching love to the forces of destruction instead of fighting them. Which brings me to my next point.

Paper Mache Meets Drunk Peasant
Even if I would like to participate in war-like activities with my AM this simple is not a possibility. I do little to no damage. My heals are subpar at best and my survivability is non-existent. Have you ever seen that video where the 70’s guy comes in and kicks that old woman off the chair. “OWNED” I’m the old woman. For a time I thought it was me. I didn’t post on forums of my troubles, for fear of the dreaded QQ lrn to play nub! So I simply kept silent about it and decided to try a few other classes to see if I had more fun.

The good the bad and the retarded.
Currently I have 7 order alts ranging between level 15-34 most over 23. I have 5 Destruction alts all pushing 20. I guess I should thank mythic because I have experienced so very much of warhammer, I feel an expert on anything T1 to T2. Great! Not really, I miss my AM, It has such potential. Despite that fact that he looks like a sissy, talks like a sissy, fights like a sissy, hell IS a sissy, he’s the underdog … and my first toon, I would like to see him succeed. Patch notes for the 1.2 patch basically ….. are not good for the AM. People are leaving this class in droves! Sad really. I seem to have a knack for picking that absolute worst class in every MMO I have ever played. What the hell is wrong with me!

What the hell is wrong with you!
I’m going to put the blame for this one squarely on Mythic’s shoulders. I can’t believe they would make a class this awful and release it, and then have the nerve to release 4 more classes before fixing a class this is awful. Mythic this class is so bad that everyone on destruction and order side agree it sucks. I have never, ever, seen that before in my whole life! Both sides order and destruction agree this is the worst class in the game!!!! You know it HAS to be pure garbage at that point.

Solution
You know I would never leave a bitch session without providing a solution. I think for this one. Delete the class entirely and chalk it up as a woops. It’s that bad. I don’t see any fix that will work at all. If it were only one or 2 things that might not be a problem. However It’s the entire mechanic. Just delete it entirely so I don’t have to sit at my computer and weep anymore. Go to Hell!

Love Hellion

When your 8 losing makes your tummy hurt :(

Posted in General Gaming on February 3, 2009 by Hellion

Sorry I haven’t posted for awhile but as you know I need to be good and fired up before I get writing about something. That’s right friends its old Hellion, back from the dead and poised to ruin your drinking water.

If your 8 stay in WoW

I’m 32. The reason I feel the need to say this is because I just want you all to know that the world has already kicked my ass a few times and I am slowly settling into a sad rut just like the rest of you poor slobs. That being said there are a few things we as Glastons, and yes as adults that we all hold true. Don’t expect something for nothing, be kind to others (as much as you can), fight with honor, do your best and have fun with your friends. Pretty easy ya? Not for some it would seem.

I hate your guts!

If you get mad at people for capping  battle field objectives because your not there yet!
You’re a child!

If you leave a scenario because your team isn’t winning
You’re a child and I want to punch your face in!

If you characters name is WitchiesYaY! Or ImthebestLoL123!
You’re a child and a douche!

If you get into arguments in shout or region chat about your favorite sports team, why you love obama, why so and so sucks, why WoW is so much better ect.ect.
Your 8 and your opinions don’t count please run with scissors.

If your soul reason for existence is to bother other people with pointless tells about how you need more gold, why you like to gank people, how in real life your 20 and married to a supermodel, why the sky is blue, why you get beat up at school because your 8 and 300lbs, why this, why that, why wiffel ball bat.
Jog On! I’m not your consoler!

Solution

As you know I never end without a solution to all the problems I post. Easy fix, if you’re a stupid adult you will have stupid kids. Do us a favor and try not to breed at all. If you do have a kid, which doubtless you will because you have never heard of birth control. Don’t let them play warhammer online. They can play WoW. It’s far more suited to there slow stupid needs.

Love Hellion

Life, Liberty and l33t d00d3r for all

Posted in Warhammer Online on January 8, 2009 by Hellion

Greetings and salutations to all.

A brief History.

That’s right it’s me Hellion here taking it easy for all you sinners out there. I thought I would take a quick second to talk about myself and the wonderful (and strangely tolerant of me) Glastons. I’m an odd sort of gamer that thrives on shock value and a sharp tongue. Unlike most of the Glastons I have reverted from a very heavy role player to now a very light role player. It is at this point in my life I found these fellows on Planetside. The Glastons, being an older and I think wiser group of folks than most. Seen fit at this point to fold me into their guild and treat me as an equal right from day 1. (THE FOOLS) So now I’ve been with them for around 4 years! Lots of good times!

Warhammer

So here we are. The Glastons have moved around through many different games in the last few years and we currently find ourselves in Warhammer. The main thing that attracted me to the Glastons was the fact that though they were small they always had very sound tactics. This is a tradition that has followed the Glastons through every game that I know of to date. With Warhammer our main problem thus far has been the fact that no one seems to be able to find a class that they truly enjoy and stick with it. I know once we settle on classes that we like however, I’m sure we will be creating new and interesting tactics that will work nicely with Warhammer.

The L33t D00d3r and the downfall of the Alliance (IMHO ….. not really that humble)

PUG’S Suck! Yes we have all heard this before. But is it true. The answer for you in open realm vs realm combat is a most definite and unbelievably resounding YES! Why, well, quite simply the following:

12 year olds leading war bands only interested in points not the objective or game play

The constant do whatever I say mommy and daddy said I’m special attitude.

Foolish mistakes and maneuvers that always lead to our death

The I don’t want to die so why engage the enemy attitude

The why fight when I can just pick up points by going from battle field objective to battle field objective and get points (tier 4 I’m looking at you)

The I’m amazing attitude when sadly Congratulations your mediocre

Listen assholes. Where is your steadfast strength and honor? You are not special. You do not have sound tactics. If you want to lead do so and do it smart. Earn respect as a leader. Don’t expect everyone to do what you say because you started a war band and we all joined. It’s not all about you. Grow up!

Earn It. Don’t demand it. If you do, I’ll be there to shatter your sad mediocre world in no time flat. Count on it!

Solution?

Hey come on I wouldn’t just rant and not have a fix. It’s really quite simple. You are unable to capture Battlefield Objectives unless you own the closest keep to those objectives. Try to be a sissy now! This will force you to fight and be smart about it!

Anyway, I think this is a good time for me to sign off before I break my fingers off on this keyboard.

Love Hellion